apushhh, yuh killlllin' me.

i really do have the best babysitter in the whole wide world! hahaha he's too funny. awwwhh i love how he looks out for me. "KILLLLLLL." ahahah silly guy. so we've decided that we're gonna be each other's graduation partners! duhhhh! "i thought you knew!" well now i do =) gays. naa mizzle? shiiiiit, i can't wait til senior year. we're gon make the best of it. drama free yaaa? of courseeeeeee. i hope the rest of my highschool experience will be fun &unforgettable. ahhhhhh i can't wait to be freeeeee!

"i've learned that getting into something too deep just leaves you dissapointed."

ahhh it's sooo true. i've got to learn to not get too emotionally attached. that's the thing about me. i'm toooo emotional when it comes to him. it's alll bad.

i think i'm finally starting to let go slowly. i always say that. but maybe i'm serious this time. after this year, he'll be gonneeee. he'll move on even more than he already has. &because of that, i don't want to get too close to him again. because in the end i know i'll just be hurting myself. it seems like i put more of my head than my heart into all of this =/ but the past couple of days have overall, been good. maybe being just friends is the right thing to do. i like how i can kinda sorta just talk to him now. not like before, holding almost everything back. i like the feeling of being able to just say whatever i want without caring what he thinks anymore. but when it comes to the time to get serious and talk about the things that need to be put out there, i still somewhat hold back. it's okay though cause i know i'll eventually get to the point where i'll just let everything out :]

soooo uhmm.. i'm kind of in the mood to write another really long blog but then i'm kinda lazy to. but then again i have nothing to do. but then again, i need to stfu already. hahahahdsjkgdh.

uhhhhhhhhhhh, where to start off..

the other day i had an interesting conversation with angelaaa. hella surprising or whaaat?! ahh it was a good talk with her. finally we're updated with each other. i misss that grl. she's back with jon since what.. a day or two after the breakup? I KNEW IT. hahahaha stupidgrl. it's okay. i am psychic and i knew you guys would get back together sooner or later :] anyways, so i told her hella shit that's been going on. likkke what i found out and whatnot. yeeah, she was surprised like i was. hahaha but SHIT! wtf! coming from her it's kinda like..idk. kinda like betrayal. but not really. whatever. i'm not really trippen bout it i guess. it's over with. just yeah, i am soooo dissapointed. like seriouslyyyy. ahhhhh.

SO. the next day, i had a 2+ hour conversation with fitz. hmm.. gay or hellla HELLA gay? ahha stupid guy. he's so funny. hahahahahahha "i couldn't see the road. the sun was everywhere!" something like that. hahaha soo lame. that's what you get. so lemme give you guys a headsup.. never get into the car when fitz is driving unless he's got some shades on. haha! "i'm not a dangerous driver.." mmhmm. good one. ahhaha soooo anyways, he wouldn't let me get off the phone even when my phone was really dying! it started beeping and whatnot. and this guyyy started making his phone beep too. that's cheating! no cheating pls. anyways, i can't wait to see the guy when we get back to school. he owes me lunch! and a picture. and a hug. and you know..an update!!!!!!!!!! he didn't even tell me he moved! even though it's like still in the same area..i guess you forgot to tell me. gayguy. kaikui!!!!! pikekekelala ik a kaikui. :D

alright moving onto efrennbooy. my bestfriennndd. i miss him hella much. stupidguy. i haven't seen him since that one time when it was raining and we went to eat pho. HAHA. hella holding me orrrr? his cousin is so funny. i want to meet him. me &efren talk like we're together or something. well, that's what bff's do =) i hope he's doing good thoughhh. i must find him a grl to keep him occupied. cause i know he misses spring break'nnn. holllllla!

me and amie are cool again for those who didn't know. i'm glad we are. i missed those certain conversations i had with her. she's still my peppering partner so don't even try to take her away from me. ackakaka. her and darren seem to be doing well together. hopefully things stay like that although he's leaving for college. trust&communication is pretty much all you guys need. stay strong grrrrl.

my mother and i. i miss her very much. hopefully we have classes together this year. well yearbook we do so that's a plus. but it'd be nice to have her in some of my other classes :] so we can bond againnnnnn. i miss it. i miss freshman biology with her. hahaha i loved that class. kinda sorta :] so basically.. me & her are kinda in the "getting over it" phase. wait, we already are right? hahaha. well we think we are. maaann, shuttup. i know we are. it's just those silly thoughts that come and go every now and then.

so the whole apush shit is over for NOW. just for now. shiiiiitfck. idk what i've gotten myself into junior year. i'm kinda very glad i have apush 2nd semester. ahhh hopefully i do well in that class cause my sister had to drop it. and she's a smart grrrl. if she can't do it, how in the world will i be able to do it. i've got like barely half her brains. haha. i think this semester i have spanish 3, american lit. honors, alg2/trig. & yearbook. shiiiiiiit. and i have volleyball too. that's like my sophomore's first semester schedule except the blocks are switched around. and i didn't do soo well that semester =/ but i think this year will go fine if no boys come in between. no distractions okay!? nooooone of that. MOTHER, you have to keep me in check.

i forgot what else i wanted to saaaay. ohhh jk. i remember now. but i think i'll make a private entry =) holllatchagrl.

OOOOKAY. this is going to be a long entry. i'm kinda in the mood to re-evalute everything that's been going on since sophomore year.

so let's start off with the beginning of the year. this is how it went. volleyball, volleyball and volleyball. with a tint of boys in between :] that was fun. so william. duyen=so shy. that i wouldn't say hi to him. i'd just stare at him from far far away. or actually, from my locker to his 4th block class. hahaha thennnnnn i guess mark dragged me across the gym to get me to talk to him. and he threw gummybears at me! i still have them too. HAHA so is that gross or helllaa gross. all good. hahaha they make me laugh. so me and him started talkinnng, hung out, football games, he asked me out two times in the same week. haha first time i said idkkkkkkkk. then one night he took me home and came out to hug me and asked, "will you be my grlfriend?" i go, "AGAIN!?" hahaha it was cute. soooooooo that was that.

couple weeks lator comes manny. whoooopdy doo. so turns out i started really liking this guy. i guess just cause we hung out more than i did with william. but you can't blame me! geeez will was always with his other girl friends and what not. but yeah. i had more fun with manny. so i guess i realized i started having this crush on him the time we went to the stanford game. ahahah that big hotdog in my mouth and whatnot. hah that was funnny. he's been there since the grls volleyball season started. let's just say he was there to take me home when i was crying, sad, confused. whatever it was, he was pretty much there for me. parks with him and mike and everyone else was fun. i love the park. i haven't been to one in the longest time. haha ok anyways, another week or so passes by.. volleyball season is overrrrrrrrr. banquet on november 17th. ended up breaking up with william. stayed will manny all day til the banquet started. it was funnn. he took my mind off things :] then 7oclock comes around and it took us forever to find alicia's house. blahblah. they called me the baby of the team. he ended up calling me the baby of the team. he takes me home. shit happens. he still has my trophy, i go home, i get in trouble. blahblahblah. what else is new.

soooo i guesss me and him were "talking" for the longest time. december comes around, he has to leave to mexico. i babysitted his ninja necklace for him. he missed my birthday. but he still myspaced me to say happy birthday. ahha he comes home in january. i give him his necklace back. things started going not so good for awhile. i kept him away from volleyball. anddd i know i was wrong for doing that but i can't do anything or say anything now to change it. he ended things towards the end of january. next day or so we were okay again. valentine's day comes around. everything about that day made me happy. him losing his ipod at las palmas park and me finding it in the sand to him giving me the most hurtful but unforgetful hug i've ever gotten from him. everything was jussssssssst right that day. end of february comes around. things are stilllll going good. march rolls around and i thought me and him would really stay strong this time. turns out i was wrong. hellla wrong. st patricks day was not so good. here comes the "break". you know breaks are always never just "breaks". i knew what it meant. it meant things were over. definitely over. for good.

since that day, things just went all bad. can you say draaamma. shiiit. i really didn't need any of that shit from anybody. but whatever. i guess it's alerady over and done with. but it really was the hardest couple of months for me. i mean, just the fact that he told me 6 fckin' days lator that there's another grl..who isn't me. wow. fckin' crushed as fcuuuuk. you don't even know. all i did was cry myself to sleep. i tried finding other excuses to cry. but nope. only reason i was crying was cause of him. i know, sillly duyen.

so i left the school year early. had to leave to vietnam. thank goddddd. it was bout time for me to get away from him. from everything actually. but then again it was bittersweet. even though seeing him with other grls and hearing all those rumors and me getting nothing good out of it, i stilllll would miss him. i still would think about him. no doubt bout that. the night i was about to leave, he asked if he could come over to see me one last time before i left. it was an awkward moment. frealsss it was. i didn't really know what to say to him. it's like i had nothing to say to him anymore. i wanted to ask him how come he said he was sorry for everything he put me through. i really wanted to ask him that. but i wouldn't let anything come out of me. if he was really sorry, why would he even put me through what i went through those past couple of months. why couldn't he just stop what he did. whhhhy did he have to say he was sorry?! why did he even want to come see me for the last time!? omgggggg i'm starting to cry now. ok this is why i can never talk about this. i don't want to be the grl who still fckin' cries over this situation. it really should be over with. it should beeeee. i sweaaaar. i don't want to go back to another relationship like that. ever again. i'm okay with being friends, but it's just i know i'm still going to always have this thing for him. idk what it is but i know it'll always be there. i want to make sure i'm reallly finally for sure over him before me and him are friends again. i don't want all my feelings to come back while i'm in the process of getting over him.

ahhhhhhh okaay moving on. so i arived at the airport in saigon. right when i walked out, i literally started dripping sweat. omggaad, it was soooofaking hot. my mom didn't let me take off my sweater cause she's all like ppl are gon stare at you. DUDE. how fckin' asian-er can she get?! hahaha like i fckin' cared anyways. geeez. anyways, so i stayed in vietnam for about a month. and i realized that there are much much muuuuuch more unfortunate ppl over there who need the money for shelter and food. little kids are living on the streets crying and begging for money because they have to raise their family. and i thought to myself, why in the world have you been crying?! over what.. a boy? hahhh it was that depressing. it was crazzyyy how i just thought about everything and realized all my complaining about this guy and everything.. was sooooooooo stupid. i look back on everything and i kinda just laugh. it's funny how i thought i had it bad but really, ppl over in vietnam had it worse.

my family in vietnam was the mooooost caring and loving ppl i've ever known. i've been to vietnam 3 times now. once when i was a baby and i had diarhea :] second time when i was in the second grade. and my third time this summer. i didn't know anything when i was younger. but now i do. i think i've gotten smarter and wiser about certain things. i don't complain as much as i used to. knowing that my family over there are barely live on what they are earning just to live one day at a time.. it makes me sad. i wish i had the money and effort to help them out. i want my babygrl to grow up in a decent environment and surroundings. i want her to be someone when she grows up. i miss herrrrr. she's the smartest babygrl i've ever seen. soooooofaking smart. she's not even two yet. and she knows what is going on. i love her. she kept me busy during my month there. we did everything together! we were like best friends :) she fed me, i fed her, we showered together. we got sick together. we slept together. everythinnnnnggg. i miss her! omggggg i want to go back.

the night i had to leave to drive into the airport, she was sickk. it was sooo sad. i hella cried that night because she kept wanting to come with me. she wouldn't let me put her down. she kept throwing up and crying. sooo sad. i told myself i wasn't going to cry the day i had to leave. but i knew i was going to. my time in vietnam really changed me. i've never been surrounded by ppl who loved me thaaat much. they tried their best to make sure i was comfortable at night, made me what i wanted to eat, took care of me the whole time i was there. not once was i let down by them. i miss it. i wish i was still surrounded by ppl who loved me the way they did. i promised myself that when i grow up and i make money and i become someone, i'll go back and help them. i willllll.

since my trip back, everything and everyone seemed like they changed. manny for one, i hope he's still the same guy as when i first met him back in november. idk who he is anymore. but i still do definitely miss him. all the grl drama has settled down. new ones with the other ppl. funnyy. haven't you guys learned your lesson? geez. i learned mines. as much as you trust somebody, you can never have 100% trust in them. because eventually they are just going to turn their backs on you. you'll regret ever telling them annnything. i know boys will always come and go. therefore i'm not gon even try to get into another relationship. i hope nobody comes my way junior year. i really hope not. i've got priorities and i need to get them done before i have my fun. i've got goals. i will be somebody eventually. i'm not gon turn out to be that one grl with that one face who fcked up in school. noooooo way.

sdjkghsdg i wrote so muchhhh. okay nomore for awhile. conditioning is next monday. i hope things go well.

one week til conditioning.

i'm all excited for it to come, but i bet when it does..i'm gon be like "damnit, i can't even sit on my toilet!!!!"